A Day, 'Helplessly'.
My feelings lately have been confusing. I really don’t know how to explain it. I want to always choose myself, ALWAYS CHOOSE MYSELF regardless of the situation but I feel stuck between letting go or keep trying. I always feel the need to always forgive and give another chance but if it wanted to be, wouldn’t it have anyway. I ask myself, if they can’t choose me, why can’t I choose me? Why should I always give excuses for them? Why do I always give an opportunity for them to redeem themselves? Why? Why? Why?!
I listened to Tatiana Manaois’ helplessly, I don’t know if they fit but here’s what I feel. There’s a place her songs have in my heart.
Every time, we be with people who we struggle to be with. We don’t feel happy when we’re with them, our feelings always seem to be conflicted and we don’t know what to do. We seem to carry their weight as if ours is not heavy enough but why do we still want them to stay. Haven’t they broken us enough? Aren’t we broken enough?! Why do we always love to see the brighter side and stay in a situation that cannot be fixed? That we cannot fix!
Every day there seem to be one misunderstanding or conflicts or the other. It is painful because we can always leave, we can decide to leave this place that makes us kick rocks and fight our feelings and self but we choose not to. Somehow, we see some of the little good things that makes us to keep trying but the big bad things are enough reason we should leave. So what exactly is keeping us from leaving? The little good things?
If they truly loved us the way they claim to, there wouldn’t be any reason to leave? If they loved us, the way we loved them, nothing would want us leaving. We received no comfort at all, no love at all but somehow we let them into our head and still fell for them. We spend nights thinking of ways to make things better while they do nothing and care nothing for us at all. We wished to be loved, just as we love but we let ourselves get distracted by them, losing focus and not making the right decision. It’s not fair. They make things so hard and it hurts that we still helplessly fell for them.